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Who’s on Your Side
Sometimes …
Sometimes, people say things that aren’t true.
Sometimes, people do things, but their intent is not sincere.
Sometimes, people believe their thoughts are secret.
Sometimes, people think they can’t be understood.
But, there is a simple way of knowing if they are a true ally …
a way of knowing if they share an affinity with you.
Do the Affinity Test
Test everyone you meet.
Tell them how you feel.
During a normal conversation, express your feelings about the matter you are discussing.
Don’t overstate your emotions. Just say how you feel and show it.
Then, be silent. Watch and listen.
How did they react?
Did they express their feelings, too?
Were their feelings similar to your own?
Were they being genuine?
If you can say ‘yes’ to each of these questions,
they are expressing affinity with you.
Most likely, they feel a strong affinity with you.
If they expressed emotions that were close to yours, they are a reasonably firm ally.
But, if they reacted in other ways, you need to take a little care.
Did They React Differently?
If they didn’t show their feelings or talk about them, they probably expressed themselves in another mode.
What did they do?
Did they passively gaze or listen?
Did they talk about details and conclusions?
Did they state their attitude or belief?
Did they fidget, remain perfectly still or tell you to do something?
Well …
If they used any of these other modes of expression, they don’t feel much affinity with you right now. They were showing they are different, not just that they feel a little differently.
Maybe they showed an emotion like yours, but you sensed they weren’t genuine. Watch out! They are probably not on your side.
Maybe, they tried to empathize. Without experiencing the same emotions, they said they could understand how you feel. They tried to take the heat out of your heartfelt reactions. They are not really on your side.
Maybe they expressed emotions radically different from your own. They are definitely not on your side. They are not your ally.
It’s their mode that matters.
So, where does it start?
It Starts with the Senses
Our body constantly receives information through our senses:
seeing hearing touching smelling tasting
We receive so much information that we don’t notice most of it most of the time.
But, each piece of information that we perceive passes through our minds and we react to it. There is a clear sequence to this process.
- Receiving information through the senses
- Testing its attributes by thinking
- Judging its value against beliefs
- Bundling our assessments as emotions
- Responding through actions
This is the sequence of modes.
Deflect the Barbs They Throw
When people interact, they focus on various modes. Sometimes, they differ. Sometimes, they converge. Nothing unusual about that.
But, when people get mean and nasty, you can deflect their attack. You can turn their attempt to harass or control to your advantage.
How do you do it?
Step 1
Identify the mode they are using to attack you.
Step 2
Express yourself in the mode that follows in the mode sequence.
Step 3
Stay with that mode until they join you.
Then, go to the next mode in the sequence.
Keep on going through the sequence.
You are gaining control. And, they are losing it.
Thought is the blossom;
language the bud;
action the fruit behind it.’
Ralph Waldo Emerson
Are You Being Emotionally Attacked?
Imagine an attacker is using the feelings mode.
Respond by focusing on the next mode in the sequence.
That’s action mode: the realm of change.
So, do something. Anything. Stand up. Sit down. Drop your pen. Hand them a piece of paper.
Then immediately shift to the following mode: the senses.
Talk about sound or sights. Focus on textures, tastes or smells.
Then shift to the mode of thoughts. Talk about the conclusions you have drawn from what your senses told you. For example, it is usually not productive to make a lot of noise.
Thoughts
Sort Test Debate Reckon Conclude
Beliefs
Ensure Know Imagine Theorize Understand
Feelings
Confident Shy Glad Anxious Proud
Actions
Stand Lift Wave Talk Command
The modes form an endless sequence.
Thinking Often Suppresses Feeling
You see, the mode of thoughts suppresses the mode of feelings. So, drawing the attacker through the sequence to thoughts will usually deflate their emotional attack.
If they are still hot for a fight, tell them what you believe and shift into the mode of emotions. But express yourself in a calming, soothing way.
By now, you should be pretty much in control.
Becoming fluent in the sequence of modes allows you
to perceive people’s purpose
to read their reactions
to predict their behaviors
to do something about it
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